Love is kind

" But he loves me, and you don't know how nice he is."

" I am not trying to justify his behavior but sometimes it is my fault..."

" He has never done this to anyone else, it means that he truly love me..."

" I can't live without him, he was there for me when no one else was..."

" We have children together, i can't just pack up and leave"

These are few of the excuses/ explanations that i have heard from people that are in a abusive relationship. Let me start by saying that i am from a household where my father was abusive toward my mother. So if some of this sounds judgemental than i apologize because it is not meant that way. I have heard many women say that they are staying in a abusive relationship because of love. But is it really love when love is supposed to be kind? I also hear people say they stay in abusive relationships because of the kids. As someone who grew up in an abusive home, i know it was a terrible way to grow up. It stripped me away of my childhood and filled me with fears. Fears of my father walking through the door in the evening. Fear of relationships and love. It was not a happy house, seeing your father beating your mother has no benefits for the kids. It brings confusion simply because i had to pick my side. It was either i was going to blame my mother for being " weak" which i did for a long time or i was going to hate my father. Either way it is loose loose situation. I promessed myself that I would never let a man walk over me. NEVER. My mom says she stays for us. I wish she knew that we would have rather have them separated. I wish she knew that no child wants to see his mother cry. I wish someone had told her that this would scarred me for life. As of my father for a long time i did not blame him. I pushed aside any emotions relating to the abuse. It was so more convenient to blame my mom. Today, i wish i could say i am over it and i have move on. The truth is that from time to time, it all comes back to haunt me.

My mom told me that every relationship starts well, no one ever went on their first date and got slap. It starts with the small things. It is usually about control. It can begin with him saying that he does not like the friends you have, or the way you dress...What is confusing about abuse is that at the beginning it can be very cute. If you went and told your friends that your man only want both of you to go out, they will probably say that it is soo cute that he wants to be with you all the time. The truth is that it is very hard to have this conversation with "my people".Beating your wife where i am from is really not a big deal. My mom told me that her mom told her that she should be ready to cry a lot in her marriage. My mom said that she did not leave the marriage because of the beating, not at all , if that was all then she would still be married to my father. So i think that your view on abuse might differ depending on what culture you are from. However, for me there is no explanation or excuse that someone can give to put his hand on his woman.

They say that people that come from an abusive home are more likely to end up marrying someone that would abuse them. This statistic was really scary for me because i did not want to end up in an abusive relationship. I always told myself that this can never happen. But the truth is that it happens to others all the the time. So please look around you, look at your sister, your mother, your friends. How is their relationship with their partner. Are they always coming up with excuses to justify their bruises? Have they dramatically changed?

In some ways, the whole Chris Brown/ Rihanna is a great place to start the debate.