Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I wish i had a chance to say bye.

The call came early this morning. Just like that she was gone. I took some classes on death and dying and grieving and i thought that i was prepared for this kind of situation.
I did not go to work today and i went on my day as usual. It is only now hours after the call that it is hitting me all. I have done that i am supposed to do as a mother and wife. I made dinner, fed my son , talked to my friends. I did not really mention the news to anyone. I did not want them to ask me how i felt. That it is not their place. I am the strong one, always there for others... So i told couple of people and i moved on with my day, unaffected. Until this moment...
They told me in class that the first stage of grief is denial. Well i guess i am a classic case. When the first news came in two weeks ago that she was in the coma, i was so hopeful. I was so sure that she would pull through. Because i saw her the day before at work. I saw her and she had on this beautiful yellow shirt and this capri pants. She was glowing and we teased her about how young and good she looked. So when the next day i heard she was in the coma, i was in great denial. She had to pull through. Somehow during those two weeks, i started thinking about the possibility of her not making it through. Vaguely though, never truly wanting to think about it so much. So i went on for two weeks, walking aroung smiling and going about my business, because people of faith have to hold tight. People of faith pray and stop worrying.
It is now that it is hitting me like tones of bricks. My sweet, wonderful miss H, always smiling and having a nice word to give. How do i go on tomorrow like nothing happened? How do i walk in my office and look at her chair knowing that she would not be coming back. Papa God i am not sure how to this? The funny part is that she is probably looking down on us now smiling and laughing. In many ways she was always ready even in her conversations. She would always say that when my times come i will go i don't want any stress. I will go meet my father in heaven.
I am angry though. I wish i had a chance to say goodbye.