Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A different kind of love

The hardest thing about parenting so far is letting go. This week baby E has been going to the babysitter. We have been blessed because he has always been watched over by family members until this week. It is one of the hardest thing to drop him off in the morning. You are basically leaving this innocent, helpless baby to someone you don't know. Every morning, for a split second i wonder why so many women ever wanted to work. It is at those times that i regret having to work and having my own personal ambitions. Those are the moment that i wonder if i am doing the right thing.
However, the babysitter has been so great. He never cries when i drop him off, he is too busy playing with the other kids. The best part is that every day the babysitter e mails me some pix of baby E while i am at work, and my heart just melt. I would be at my desk, just working and i check my e-mail and here he is , my little bundle, smiling and looking so content... When i see that, i feel more at ease. I think every parents goes through this inner battle.

I never use to get parents. My sister would complain about my niece constantly and yet when i would come to take her ( my niece ) to spend the night my sister would call us non stop and want me to bring her back. I used to think that she had lost her mind. Why can't she make up her mind, u need a break and i am giving you one, what's the problem... Now i get it. It is an impossible kind of love. The kind of love that is exhausting yet rewarding. The kind of love that makes you want to yell at him and kiss him at the same time. The kind of love that makes me cry and rejoice when he is taking a man trip with his daddy. In reality, i doubt that you can know what true love means until you have a kid... I would die for my kid, i would fight for him, yet i need to remember to also live for him. By that i mean i need to remember that it is important for me to have a fufilling life aside from him. To self actualize so i can give him more because i would have more to give. I don't mean financially but i mean happiness. It is my firm belief that you can not give what you don't have. I refuse to be one of those parents that use their kids as an excuse for their failures. " if it was not because of you, i would have been..." No kid deserves that kind of burden. SO every morning when i drop him off at the babysitter i keep that in mind.