I wish i had a chance to say bye.

The call came early this morning. Just like that she was gone. I took some classes on death and dying and grieving and i thought that i was prepared for this kind of situation.
I did not go to work today and i went on my day as usual. It is only now hours after the call that it is hitting me all. I have done that i am supposed to do as a mother and wife. I made dinner, fed my son , talked to my friends. I did not really mention the news to anyone. I did not want them to ask me how i felt. That it is not their place. I am the strong one, always there for others... So i told couple of people and i moved on with my day, unaffected. Until this moment...
They told me in class that the first stage of grief is denial. Well i guess i am a classic case. When the first news came in two weeks ago that she was in the coma, i was so hopeful. I was so sure that she would pull through. Because i saw her the day before at work. I saw her and she had on this beautiful yellow shirt and this capri pants. She was glowing and we teased her about how young and good she looked. So when the next day i heard she was in the coma, i was in great denial. She had to pull through. Somehow during those two weeks, i started thinking about the possibility of her not making it through. Vaguely though, never truly wanting to think about it so much. So i went on for two weeks, walking aroung smiling and going about my business, because people of faith have to hold tight. People of faith pray and stop worrying.
It is now that it is hitting me like tones of bricks. My sweet, wonderful miss H, always smiling and having a nice word to give. How do i go on tomorrow like nothing happened? How do i walk in my office and look at her chair knowing that she would not be coming back. Papa God i am not sure how to this? The funny part is that she is probably looking down on us now smiling and laughing. In many ways she was always ready even in her conversations. She would always say that when my times come i will go i don't want any stress. I will go meet my father in heaven.
I am angry though. I wish i had a chance to say goodbye.

Child of destiny

     I went to see Beyonce in concert this week and i was amazed. I have always liked her but she blew my mind with her talent. I came out of there inspired because there is no doubt in my mind that Beyonce was doing what she was created to do.
Many times i have heard people say that they don't believe in destiny. What that means to me is that you don't believe you have a purpose. EVERYONE IS BORN WITH A MISSION.
        The hardest part is to find out what that mission is.
How do i know what i am supposed to be doing, you might ask?
If you are like me, then you have wrestle with this question at some point or the other. I have dabbed into so many passions from dancing when i was younger, to reading, to criminal justice... I have always been one to try different things ; which can be a problem or a good thing. The benefit is that i am always learning, the negative is that it makes it confusing to narrow down my field of interest. To make things more completed, add the expectations of your loved one and you find yourself in a tricky situation. My father believed i was born to be a doctor just like him. The problem was that i did not know what i wanted to be but i knew who i did not want to be. I think a lot of people deal with this issue constantly and end up choosing not to choose.They end up going with the flow and what is expected of them. See there is nothing wrong with being what your parents want you to be if thats also what you want. However, some people just don't want to dissapoint the people they love so they go on into these professions that they highly dislike. We all know them, they are the nasty doctors, teachers, nurses.... The ones that never smile and you can tell they would love to be somewhere else.

           I am not here to bash anyone that feels stuck in the position they are in right now. I know what it means to have to stand on your own and follow what you believe in. Sometimes , you don't even know exactly what you want to do, all you know is what you dont want to do.For me i knew i definetly did not want to be a doctor, i still had no clue what i was meant to do. It is easier if you can say i can't be a doctor but i want to be a lawyer. It sounds better because at least it looks like you have a plan. However, for many people, they do not even know yet what their passion is. I encourage you to really think about what you are studying in school or the job you are working at. Are you just "there" with no direction because it is convenient or are you living out your destiny?

The hardest part of motherhood.

Ethan turned 1 on august 19th and it was one of those out of body experience. I remember seeing one episode of Kimora Lee show and she was crying because her daughter was getting her hair straigtened. I kept laughing and thinking that she was such a drama queen, what was the big deal. Now that i am a mom , i know what the big deal is. She was crying because she did not want her daughter to grow up. I am the same way. When someone asks me how old baby E is i tell them 12 months instead of 1 year. Somehow, saying his age in months make me think that he is still a baby. So yes his first birthday was bitter sweet.

The sweet part, was that i am extremely blessed to have a healthy child. The birthday was amazing and i am grateful. The bitter part is that he is growing up. I think for me that is the hardest part of motherhood. So what's next, him going to school, having a girlfriend, getting married... Lord , please help me!

Don't give up

Even when all things fall apart
Even when it looks like you will not make it
Even when you don't believe in you anymore
Please, don't give up

Never give up on yourself
Never give up on your dreams
Never give up
Because there is always hope
No matter how tough things get

So never give up.

A different kind of love

The hardest thing about parenting so far is letting go. This week baby E has been going to the babysitter. We have been blessed because he has always been watched over by family members until this week. It is one of the hardest thing to drop him off in the morning. You are basically leaving this innocent, helpless baby to someone you don't know. Every morning, for a split second i wonder why so many women ever wanted to work. It is at those times that i regret having to work and having my own personal ambitions. Those are the moment that i wonder if i am doing the right thing.
However, the babysitter has been so great. He never cries when i drop him off, he is too busy playing with the other kids. The best part is that every day the babysitter e mails me some pix of baby E while i am at work, and my heart just melt. I would be at my desk, just working and i check my e-mail and here he is , my little bundle, smiling and looking so content... When i see that, i feel more at ease. I think every parents goes through this inner battle.

I never use to get parents. My sister would complain about my niece constantly and yet when i would come to take her ( my niece ) to spend the night my sister would call us non stop and want me to bring her back. I used to think that she had lost her mind. Why can't she make up her mind, u need a break and i am giving you one, what's the problem... Now i get it. It is an impossible kind of love. The kind of love that is exhausting yet rewarding. The kind of love that makes you want to yell at him and kiss him at the same time. The kind of love that makes me cry and rejoice when he is taking a man trip with his daddy. In reality, i doubt that you can know what true love means until you have a kid... I would die for my kid, i would fight for him, yet i need to remember to also live for him. By that i mean i need to remember that it is important for me to have a fufilling life aside from him. To self actualize so i can give him more because i would have more to give. I don't mean financially but i mean happiness. It is my firm belief that you can not give what you don't have. I refuse to be one of those parents that use their kids as an excuse for their failures. " if it was not because of you, i would have been..." No kid deserves that kind of burden. SO every morning when i drop him off at the babysitter i keep that in mind.

Baby Etiquette part 2

The previous rules stated on baby etiquette part 1 still apply. However, there are some new rules that have come along. Here are the dos and don't when you are around a sligly older baby ( 6months and up)


1. Don't say " he looks nothing like you , he looks so much like..."

They might have been in situations where the baby really looked like someone ex boyfriend but please refrain from making that comment. Also,know that most parents really want their kids to look like them, so try to find some sort of resemblance to speak of.


2. Don't call the child names you will not want to be called
Just because the babies can not remember that you called them fat does not make it OK. I have heard people, parent included called kids the strangest names.



3. When babysitting someone's kid, please don't make any drastic changes to the child appearance.
No haircut please, or braiding unless you have permission from the parents.


4. Don't ask the parents silly questions like "why is the baby crying".
We don't know, being parents does not make us understand baby talk.


5. Don't have a two hours conversation with a parent without enquiring about their kids. That should be the second question after " how are you"


6. Don't get caught up in the comparaison game. " ooh, so he is 9 months and he is not crawling yet, really? i started walking at 7 months" Thats a big no no. Parents realy don't want anyone to call their child slow.


7. This is a big one, never say anything bad about the appearance. For example " ooh , you still look pregnant" or " i thought your stomach would have gone down by now" or " My gosh , after seeing those strech mark i am not sure i want to have a kid" All of those are extremely rude and uncalled for. It is only in western countries that a woman is expected to look like she has never had a child 6 months after the baby is born. Too many women are loosing their lives trying to fit into this ridiculous, impossible to achieve " perfect body". By the way, it is not ok to tell someone that they look good for a mom, what the hell does that mean. If you are going to give a compliment what can't you just say, you look good.



8. Don't take it personal if the baby is running away from you. LOL... My son did not want to come to me last night, the good news is that i was too sick to get mad. Can you imagine that? So if you have been present in a baby's life and he has an off day and acts like he does not know you, its ok, don't get offended


9. Do keep an eye on your stuff. "i am not liable for anything my child destroys while in his own home" Kids love electronics and they will usually put it in their mouth. So no i will not be replacing 400 dollars cell phones. keep an eye on your things and i would do the same when we come over your house.


10. Don't yell if a kid falls on the floor. I have a hard time with that one. I will be the first one to do it. But if you yell , the kids starts crying and it makes it worst.


11. Don't yell at someone'else child. Ok this is a big one, it could get you in some big trouble. Unless, you have been there for the child since he was born and he is family, i doubt that the parents would be OK with you "disciplining" their kids. We parent tend to be in denial and believe that our child is the most perfect baby in the world.

11. Don't look at us as strange. Being a parent does not mean that we are not " normal". We can talk about non baby related stuff. So you don't have to be nervous about coming around and having a regular conversation with us. For more on that check my post on i love him so.

I chose work

I just wrote a post " i love him so" the other day about the joy of motherhood. So the first 6 months are easy, trust me. You can leave the baby in the middle of the bed and come back and find him in the same position. After that everything changes. Baby E is at that point where he can not stay in one spot for more than 2 seconds. To babysitt him you have to be at the top of your game.

I got a cold yesterday, and i left work early to go home. This morning, i still was not feeling well but i only had two options. It was either i stayed home with Ethan or went to work. I chose to go to work. Why? It takes less energy to be at work than being with Ethan. He requires stemina that i do n0t have . So here is the truth, parents do not really get days off, even when they are sick. My master plan is to pray a lot today, hopefully God will hear me and baby E will go to bed at around 8:30pm.

So if there is anything that i miss about my "old life" , it is the ability to be sick and get a sick day doing nothing... lol

Still love you baby E...

Crossroads

I am at a crossroads in my life. This week will conclude three years and a half spent at the same job. My job had become my second home and i was so confortable at what i did. I had "job security" and worked with great people. So why on earth i am leaving?

Have you ever felt like you are "stuck"? Like you could be doing so much more and being so much more? Well, i have been feeling this way about my job for a long time. However, i stayed ... because i was confortable. I think that sometimes we are willing to be less and take less than what we deserve because it is safe and convenient. I got this job when i was a sophomore in college. My big plan was to look for another job after i graduated from college. However, when i graduated, i was offered a full time position at my current job, so i stayed. I stayed and probably would have stayed for years to come. However, sometimes it takes someone to rub you the wrong way for you to realize that it is time to move on.

So i am packing everything, experiences, friends, office... and starting a new job on monday. I think he has not hit me yet. I am convine that on monday i am going to drive to my old job. It is hard to leave what has become family to me but i know i am doing the right thing.

What about you? In a time where the economy is begging us to be cautious, are you "stuck" and waiting for a wake up call? I stayed for so long because i taught i had " job security", but that was the lie that i told myself to sleep at night. We all know that there is no such thing, unless it is your father company. I could have been let go at any time. ANYTIME. The other lie i told myself was that if i left and went somewhere else i would be the new person and you know what they say " the last one to come the first one to go". I know that this is not necesseraly true. When a company is looking at what position to eliminate they get rid of the ones that they can live without... So what is the real reason you are at your job? Have you reach the highest position you will have at your job, yet you are staying... Are you wanting to make 6 figures in a company where the CEO is not making that amount? Are you at the right job or are you like me and became comfortable?

I am at a crossroads in my life; and i am anxious, nervous and ecxited. What about you?

I love him so...

Having a baby is one the most important decision one can make. I used to be terrified at the idea of having a kid. I was worried about whether i would be a good mother. I was worried about the weight gain. What about my relationship with my hubby? I felt like i still had things i wanted to do for me. I still wanted to drive my sport car and be "young". So the question is how has Ethan changed my life.

Ethan just turned 8 months couple days ago. I read all the books you can think of. I asked all the mothers around me for advises. I wanted to know if i was going to fall in love with him the second i saw him... Like in the movies. Well that did not happened for me. When he was born, the first thought that came to my mind after he was out was... Thank God he is Ok. The second thought was , when can i eat? After 20 hours without eating all i could think of was the fried rice my mother in law brought to the hospital.

I did not have that magical moment we see in the movie; with all the tears and the instant connection. Sorry Ethan. FOr the longest time , i could not believe that he was my child. I kept thinking that i was babysitting. To be honnest it probably took me a month to realize that Ethan was here to stay. That my hubby and I, had created this little bundle of joy.

How has our lives changed?

Not so much, we won't let it. Coming from a divorced home i know how important it is for parents to take care of their relationship. Is it easy to go drop off Ethan at grand ma. NO... But is it necessary for me and hubby to have that time? Hell yes.

I think having a child is what you make of it. I am working, going to school and a full time mom. Are there sacrifices that we make? Everyday, all day... I am now more motivated because i have a witness, who is believing everything i say. We are shaping his destiny and every mistakes, successes will impact me somehow. I doubt that one knows what love is until one has a child. I am crazyly, deeply, forever in love with my son. I will do anything for him and he is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

How is my life different than any other 23 years old?

The truth is that our lives has changed. Every furniture we buy from now on has to be child proof. The truth is that they are so many "important" things that we miss out on because we have to babysitt. The truth is that i might never drive a sport car and at some point i will get that mini van . The truth is that i am no longer that girl that was frightened nine months ago. I am a mother which to me means that i have to put my baby first. Anything or anyone that stops me from doing that needs to get out of my life. I was given the blessing to right all the wrong i think that my parents made when i was growing up. I am a very normal 23 years old ( whatever that means) . We go to parties, i still wear my short dresses. I still listen to BET and watch all my shows. Ecxept that i have a personal alarm clock that wakes me up at 8 am every morning no matter what. I have seen more diapers and poo that i care to really remember. It takes me longer to get out of the house. ( maybe 5 more minutes)...

Think of the activity you love the most and how much time flies while you are doing it. That 's what it is for me with Ethan. I have fallen in love with him. He is at that age where he will smile at you just because you walk in the room. Such a pure love, he loves us just because.... That is unconditional love. I have been saying that if i knew that this is how it was going to be to have a baby i would have had one at 16 ( lol).

what a weekend...

This week-end was amazing. Two of my closest friends were celebrating their birthdays on friday and saturday. Also we (hubby and i) were celebrating my mom and mother in law birthday. On Saturday we went to a spa in virginia ( spa world). Everything was good at the spa until we walked in a room full of NAKED WOMEN. I am mean butt naked. For those who know me , they would attest that i have a problem changing in front of people ( even my mom). So imagine the shock when i walked in this room with women naked. It took a long while for me to get OK with the place. Once the initial shock wore off, i realize that this was an opportunity to enjoy something new. After all, i have been telling people for years how open minded i am. Yea right... Don't get me wrong, you don't have to get naked to be at that spa. Only if you want to use the pool. They had these hot rooms and ice rooms that relaxed you to your soul. What really surprised me was how relax and quiet everyone was. There were doing nothing but relaxing (i know its a spa, lol) . And yes by the end, we went in the pool naked and i know it sounds so ... But it was so not sexual, it was just being one with nature. LOL. Truly, there is something about the place that makes you feel at ease. Maybe it is because they were mothers and children around... It was so great and i will be going back.

After that we went to dinner ,the comedy club in DC and a party. Of all my years in the USA i have never gone to a comedy club. It was great.

On sunday we had people over to celebrate our mothers birthday. They are both born on the same month. These two women ( my mom and mother in law) are amazing in every way. They both have a heart of gold and will give you the last shirt on their chest. They are the best grand mother my son could have wished for. I love them both and they are a great inspriration to me.

God has blessed my husband and I with wonderful friends and a great familly. Seeing all the people that came out yesterday to help us celebrate reminded me of that. It's sometimes so easy to focus on the problems ( especially with our current economic situation) but when i really look at my friends and family i know i am blessed. My ladies came out and were in the kitchen for hours ( pepper master, crepe master, pepper soup master, baby sitter master, cake master...lol) and those that were not in the kitchen were handling the kids or cleaning up. You guys have made having a kid easy and fun. I love you guys.